Haircut, the ability to do things myself, classic rock

Hello.  Happy Monday.

This is going to be a quick post because, frankly, I am in a mad/crabby/angry mood.  Like mad at everyone and everything, but mostly mad at myself for being an ungrateful POS.  Yup.  We have a situation over here.  But I keep telling myself that I am stressed and being overly sensitive to everything going on in my world.  So I will get over it all.  And it will get better.  

 

Just to prove how silly my angry/crabby mood is let me tell you some of the things that have pissed me off today.

 

1.  The man today at the gym today who randomly asked me out.  Thankfully I wasn’t making an excuse when I said I was moving next week.  Now, normally I find this amusing and rather flattering.  However, he was creepy.  Like talks to his muscles during bicep crunches creepy.  He also told me that he has tried a new pill that is making him lose weight and become stronger.  This was AFTER I turned him down for a date, about a half hour later when I was stretching.  I was annoyed at this point.  So I told him that I’m really not trying to lose weight.  I’m actually trying to gain weight and fat %.  I was feeling like a sass.  He responded by asking why would I want to fat.  End of conversation.  

 

2.  I am mad that I feel like I have failed at the job search.  I am taking an unpaid internship.  I have two graduate degrees.  I have loans.  I’ve made 0 dollars this year.  I work hard at everything I do.  So it hurts that after searching for a job 50+ hours a week for four months I have failed.  This internship is GREAT.  PERFECT.  Exactly what I want to do.  But it is really hard to tell people it is an internship.  It is hard to get past my feelings of failure.  That I’m seeing this as a failure is making me really mad.  I also don’t feel like celebrating my graduate degrees.  My mom, dad, sister, aunt, and grandma are coming out Thursday to see me graduate on Friday.  I wish they were just coming for the sake of coming to Seattle.  I don’t want to celebrate.  I don’t want to see faculty and other students.   And I feel like a brat because I am being a brat.  

 

3.  I am mad that my 8 mile run felt like a failure.  I keep telling myself that 8 miles is awesome and in all reality a wonderful accomplishment.  My legs have SUCKED for over a month and running one more mile from my normal seven should be exciting.  I feel sore but good today.  Nothing hurt during the run.  I hiked for a couple hours later the same day.  But I feel defeated.  My marathon ‘plan’ starts next week.  Crap.  

 

4.  I am mad that I spent an hour and a half in a parking lot waiting for one of my good friends in Seattle to show up for an urban hike.  He is always late.  And hour and a half is too much.  He never EVER accounts for traffic.  Traffic was awful in Seattle due to a road closure.  No one can control traffic.  However, it was a scheduled closure.  Yup, traffic WILL SUCK!!! NEWSFLASH.  SEATTLE TRAFFIC SUCKS!  Want to know something else?  When taking the bus… it will be late.  Yes.  You heard me.   Bus schedules are the PLANS when buses arrive.  THEY WILL BE LATE.  So plan the freak ahead! He has been late almost every single time (some times more than an hour) we have hung out.  He wasn’t paying attention and went to my house!  The plan was in e-mail form.  Written.  Not verbal.  Yes.  I did the planning on this one.  But it was my last weekend in Seattle so we decided we would do something I wanted to do before I left.  The urban hike location is about 30 mins from my house so after waiting an hour and a half, I told him to just drive to the park.  He called 30 mins later and told be he was at Golden Gardens Park, NOT where I was.  At that point I said that it wasn’t going to work and never mind coming anymore.  So after being at the park for two hours, I went on a hike.  This was going to be the goodbye since I won’t see him.  So that makes me mad.  He texted me at 9 pm saying he was still in Seattle (he lives in Bellevue, a little east of Seattle) and was wondering if I wanted to hang out.  Ummm.  Let me think.  NO!  I was actually in bed, reading, trying to unwind so I can sleep (I need to read before bed when I am so stressed or I toss and turn and freakout all night) and he knows that I enjoy getting up early.  See ya later buddy. 

 

I could go on.  I won’t.  So here are some good things I can take away from the last couple days.

 

#1.  Haircut.  I got a haircut.  I got bangs.  The cut is very manageable.  AKA I still don’t have to wash it everyday. So I am happy.  

 

#2.  The ability to do things myself.  So yesterday while I was doing the urban hike alone after my friend never showed, I realized how awesome it is that I’m perfectly okay these days doing things alone.  I like this about myself.  If I want to do something or go somewhere, I don’t wait for someone to come with me.  Plus the area park was beautiful.  It was Discovery Park in Seattle.

 

#3.  Classic Rock.  So the gym I’m temporarily working out in really REALLY LOVES classic rock.  Turns out, so do I?  Hello Journey and Queen.  Classic Rock sorta reminds me of dancing at weddings. It translates well to elliptical and weight lifting.  

 

Sorry for the crabfest.  So, please, please tell me.  What made you smile today??

 

Xoxo,

Emily

Runs, olives, clean shower

Hello.  

So before I get onto some good things, I want to reflect and address a little incident that occurred in my neighborhood last Wednesday.  On May 30th a person opened fire in a cafe down the street from me, killing several people.  And by down the street, I mean literally four blocks down the street.  I was walking to the library at the time of the shooting and was two blocks away.  I was at the library when the sirens started coming and helicopters started overhead.  On my way back from the library a police approached me to tell me what was going on.  Basically he informed me that there was a shooting at the cafe and that the suspect is on the loose with two weapons.  He asked if I locked my doors when I left (I had) and if I could return home, lock the doors and windows and watch the news for further information before leaving.  He said DO NOT LEAVE YOUR APARTMENT.  Huh.  Little scary.  Okay Mr. Police I will do that.  While obviously calling my mom freaking out (once I got home… I got home FAST!)  So for five and a half hours the police didn’t know where the killer was so I was on lock down mode in my apartment.  It was terrifying.  Thank goodness for Twitter and the local news.  The scariest part was when some police men came into my backyard, weapons to the ready.  

 

Well, meanwhile, the killer got to downtown Seattle and hijacked and killed another women.  He drove his car to West Seattle, where the police found the vehicle.  Around 4:30 the police cornered him, he shot himself, and later died.  However, the entire time the police didn’t know where he was.  Several schools and neighborhoods were on lock down.  

 

My heart aches for the victims.  The memorial set up at the Cafe is heartbreaking.  Why innocent people?  The killer was mentally ill (they think) so my heart aches for him and his family as well.  It could have been prevented!  I’ve been to that Cafe several times.  I was so close.  Too close.  Life can be ended so quickly.  Too quickly.  I hate guns.  I do.  When the cops were in my backyard it was the closest I’ve ever been to a gun.  Guns make my stomach do this flippy thing.  God.  Timing is everything in life.  I am always hurry-up-and-go.  But sometimes going isn’t what is needed.  Stopping is needed.  My heart just aches for the families.  

 

Okay. Enough.  Just a good reminder to love life every single second.  And be grateful!!!

 

Let’s talk about some good because you can dwell on the bad.  Just remember and honor the bad.

 

#1. Runs.  Yes RUNS!!! My legs are…better.  Sore to start but nice and light after a mile or so.  Makes sense.  That is the way runs are supposed to be.  Some things I’ve been doing is having a snack before my run because I run really early (5:30) I am never really hungry.  But I am usually pretty hungry as I end my run and when I get hungry I get crabby.  So I think this snack keeps me happier during frustrating runs because I’m not all like ‘I have to run faster so I can eat sooner’.  I am also foam rolling BEFORE I run.  I think this is key.  Foam roll before and after.  I am also doing what I fondly call ‘free style yoga’.  I just do yoga moves with the relaxing Pandora station.  My Sunday run was 7 slow miles and with a friend who was getting over a cold and hacking up stuff.  We were quite the pair.  My runs Wednesday (7 mile group run!!!) and today (7 mile solo run) were excellent.  Both runs were 7 miles in 1 hour (really, like to the dot!!! I wasn’t even paying attention!!) and I felt good.  Today’s run was great!!! Pure happiness.  I am stiff and sore now but I will just play it by ear.

 

#2.  Olives.  Lets talk about olives.  They were a food I HATED.  Like OMG NO OLIVES.  It all began when I worked in a really nice cheese shop in high school and one of my jobs was to clean the olive jars.  I hated them before that, but the smell made me hate them even more.  Suddenly, like overnight, I LOVE olives.  Like straight-up olives.  It started with some olive hummus.  It continued with a jar of olives.  Like popping them like candy.  Um what??  Olives following oatmeal for breakfast?  Thank God I live alone.  

 

#3.  Clean shower.  I really dislike cleaning the shower.  I also hate the act of showering.  I also hate baths.  The idea of a bath makes my skin crawl.  No, I’ve never done an ice bath that so many people say I should so because I’m a runner.  I probably should but yuk.  I’m not sure what the deal is.  Was there was a scary event in my childhood?  I really don’t think so.  I’ve asked my mom about it (she also hates baths) and there was no attempt to drown me in the bath.  Well, I am moving in like 10 days.  So that means I have to actually CLEAN my apartment.  Randomly, yesterday I had the urge to clean my shower.  This has never happened.  So I can cross clean shower off my to-do list.  In all honesty, my plan was to trick one of my family members to clean the shower when they are here for my graduation.  A little ‘hey dad – I’ll make you some spicy roasted edamame (I’m not joking… he loves the stuff) if you clean my shower.’  He also loves sweets but he is steps away from being diabetic so I don’t make sweets for him anymore.  I am a big girl now.  Mommy and Daddy didn’t have to clean my shower.  And now I have a clean shower.  So that is neat.

 

That is all I have.

Have you ever gone from HATING a food to LOVING a food??  What is your least favorite item to clean???  

 

Happy Friday

XoXo

Emily

Books, books, books!!

I like to read.  However, as a graduate student (and undergrad before that) I haven’t been able to that much besides breaks and summer.  But in the two months since I’ve been done with classes I’ve read 4400 pages and 13 books.  I use goodreads.com to track my reads and that is how I know the number of pages.  FYI.  I also can’t really afford to buy books so I mostly rely on the public library.  Please, please love your library.  Use it. Love it.  

 

So here it is.  Some reading recommendations from those 4400 pages.  I am really, REALLY not critical so I’m not sure how good I am at recommending books.  I like most books I read.  

 

The Language of Baklava: A memoir by Daina Abu-Jaber

Great book about food (with recipes) and culture!

The Paris Wife by Paula McLain

A novel based on Ernest Hemingway’s first wife.  I loved the history.

 

The Evening is the Whole Day by Pretta Samarasan

I really liked this book because it was pretty original

 

Little Bee by Chris Cleave

I’m not sure what it is about this book that I liked but I liked it.

 

I could go on but I’ll start with these! 

 

Tell me.  Do you read?  What should I read?  Do you LOVE your library??

 

Xoxo,

Emily

A weighty issue

Happy Memorial Day!!! I hope you are enjoying the long weekend with friends and family and fun.  Maybe a little work too )

 

**Note: This post talks about the need to GAIN weight.  No pics or my weights or anything but I realize many people might be uncomfortable with the need to gain weight or weight in general.  So don’t read this or just realize this is my story and I have no real, technical authority on nutrition.**

 

So some things in my life have happened.  I haven’t been recovering well from my runs well.  My legs have been sore and stiff.  This has been for a while but especially in the last month.  I have lacked a schedule since graduating graduate school and becoming unemployed in mid-March.  My stress levels have been at an all time high.  I have been socially isolated and my family (my parents are my biggest support) are half way across the county.  So basically what I’m saying is that my life is COMPLETELY different from mid-March.  

 

I was talking to my mom about how shitty I’ve felt lately.  The last four days I’ve been exhausted despite little activity.  I’ve been just yuk.  I can’t exactly go to the doctor because I have crap insurance (neat thing about being unemployed, not a student, and over 26) that won’t cover anything but getting hit by a car.  So nope.  No doctor.  Well my mom suggested I weigh myself.  My grandma suggested I was preggers.  No, grandma, I am not with child.  I don’t own a scale because I don’t really care how much I weight.  In general, I have been the same weight since I was 16.  I know this because I still have my first driver’s licence.  With a couple of exceptions.  When I was a sophomore in college I learned the hard way that hard alcohol was not really calorie free and gained 15 pounds in about 2 months.  Oops.  Another exception was when I started graduate school and moved to Seattle and lost several pounds because I was so busy and hadn’t yet mastered the skillzzz of packing three meals and snacks a day.  I also lost weight when I was injured after my first marathon.  I just wasn’t as hungry but was continuing to cross-train and weight lift.  So yup.  Oooops again.  

 

So I stepped on the scale at the gym the other day.  And yes.  I’ve lost weight.  Part of this is that I no longer have to pack up all my meals for the day.  When I was a graduate student there were days when the only food I ate in my apartment was my bedtime snack.  I carried all of my food around with me all day and packed it up the night before.  So there was ample thought put into the meals so that they would hold me over for a decent amount of time.  Well since now I eat most of my meals at home, I think less about them.  They are still very balanced and healthy.  But perhaps not as much food?  I’ve also been stressed out and while I’ve never missed a meal (perhaps my entire life) maybe I am not fully evaluating my hunger.  I have also struggled with hunger cues (I don’t really get them) but I have come to realize that my energy level crashes when I need food.  So maybe I’m not listening to my energy cues as much because I am lying around my apartment a lot.  I also crave veggies and fruit and don’t crave sweet stuff.  Just the way it is.  And since I live in Seattle and it doesn’t get warm here, I never crave ice cream.  

 

Okay. Enough.  The bottom line is I am hovering on a low BMI.  I am also very muscular (hello runners legs) and don’t want to lose the strength I have.  I know enough about nutrition and running and general health to know that a low body weight (and fat %) is very, very unhealthy and dangerous.  Not to give TMI but get my period every month but I’m on birth control because without it I have very bad (like I can’t-live-a-normal-life) cramps.  I had my period last week and last week was my major exhaustion.  I also am trying iron pills.  I’ve been low on iron before so I’m doing this trial and error and not with a blood test.  Like I said, I don’t have insurance.  So, please, do not think just taking iron supplements without a doctor is at all a good idea.  It’s not.  

 

Perhaps this is my running problem?  My body cannot recover from workouts without enough calories.  DUH!! I also want to gain some fat.  SOOO.  Here is my plan.  More olive oil on my veggies, bigger scoops of nut butters throughout the day, and closer attention to getting healthy fats in with every meal and snack.  And we’ll see what happens! 

 

So anyone else every had to gain weight?  I know that it is generally the other way around and that fewer people out there need to gain weight?  Any idea for ways to gain HEALTHY weight???

 

Xoxo,

Emily

Chicago, kvark, appreciating my legs

Hello world.  It is Tuesday.  And that is a grand thing.  Want to know what is not grand?  Shopping.  Want to know why?  Because everything is too expensive and nothing fits.  Yesterday I went shopping for about the third time in 5 years.  I don’t mind shopping as a social event or shopping for other people (buying gifts is fun!) but I HATE trying to find clothes for myself.  The mission was to find a dress for graduation.  Malls scare the crap out of me.  I hate them.  A lot.  They really depress me.  I really LOVE fashion and I can’t afford to keep up with any of the trends.  But a new dress was sort of necessary since my grandma ordered me to buy one (I do what my grandma tells me to) and I probably shouldn’t wear the same dress I wore at my undergrad graduation in 2008 although that is the newest dress (item of clothing??) I own.  So I went.  Please someone answer this question for me.  And it might not be sensitive but why is it that I can find xxxL but NOTHING that fits a normal weight 5’1 women.  The only place I can find cloths that don’t make me look shapeless and like I’m drowning are at Ann Taylor in the petite section.  Sadly, those cloths are pretty boring.  I get SO frustrated that clothing isn’t made for people of normal weights anymore.  Why can’t I look cute? Okay.  Rant over.

 

So what is making me happy???

 

#1.  Chicago.  BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!! I am moving to CHICAGO!!! And I feel SO good about this decision.  Like a feeling of relief, optimism, excitement, and optimism.  I am taking an internship for the summer doing something I REALLY WANT TO DO.  Yes, this means no salary, no health insurance, and constant financial anxiety.  But I went with my gut.  My parents are so supportive of me.  Three of my best friends live there.  We have grown apart over the years but I am so excited to see them again.  One I’ve known one since I was three, one was my best friend from undergrad, and one was my neighbor and best friend from high school.  This feels good.  I’ll be closer to home.  I GET SUMMERS BACK.  I GET SNOW!!! I GET SEASONS!!! Phew.  Happy.   

 

#2.  Kvark.  So another farmers’ market find over the weekend was kvark.  What is kvark??  It is the Swedish name for Quark.  Kvark is a type of spreadable cheese popular in Europe.  It is sort of a mix between greek yogurt and ricotta cheese.  Well anyway, when I was studying abroad in Sweden I LOVED the stuff.  I mixed it with fruit, spread it on toast, mixed it into curries, rice and beans… the options are endless.  In Europe it is commonly baked with as well.  But I was strolling around the farmers’ market and the cheese caught my eye so I went to investigate.  The vender explained to me it is popular in Europe and the light bulb went off and I asked if it was kvark and she said YES!!! Okay.  Exciting.  Mine Kvark is from Appel Farms and available at the University District Farmers’ Market in Seattle and probably other farmers’ market in the area.  If you see it around buy it and play with it.  It’s fun.

 

#3. Appreciating my legs.  Or trying to.  They don’t feel good.  Am I injured??  I’m not sure.  Let me update you.  The knot in my butt that developed two weeks ago is about gone.  The hip pain isn’t acute.  I have some knots throughout my legs and work on them.  But oh my god my legs just ACHE.  Last week my workouts looked like this (all my runs have been untimed because it is important when I run I run by feel)

 

Sunday – no long run but supplemented with an hour of elliptical and lots of walking, stretching and such

Monday – 60 mins easy elliptical, arm strength

Tuesday – 60 mins easy elliptical, stretching

Wednesday – 7 mile group run and felt okay during (as in no pain) but really stiff the rest of the day, abs

Thursday – 60 mins elliptical, arm strength 

Friday – 7 mile solo run really, really slow (again felt okay during the run but stiff after), abs

Saturday – 60 minute spinning class and lots of walking

Sunday – 7 mile run, again slooooow

Monday – 60 min elliptical with speed intervals, arm strength, so easy leg strength 

Tuesday – 60 min elliptical easy, abs 

 

I am foam rolling a crap ton and doing yoga from yogadownloads.com.  It is really frustrating.  But wanna know what?  I don’t think I’m injured.  And that is good.  I think I am generally a very stressed person (moving, finances, my entire family coming out in a couple of weeks, jobs, finding a sublease for my current apt, not being able to run weeks before I start training for a marathon) and the stress isn’t allowing my legs to recover.  The problem is that I am very type A and very easily stressed.  I’m working on it.  

 

Your turn.  Have you ever hear of Quark???  Anyone live in Chicago??  Want to hang out with me??  Okay, GREAT.  Let’s hang out.  HOW CAN I GET MY LEGS TO STOP ACHING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD???

 

That is all.

xoxo,

Emily

 

First tomato of the season, beach bonfires, homemade mozzarella sticks!

Happy Saturday!!!! The sun has returned to Seattle for the day so I am in a much better mood.  

 

Here are some of the things making me happy

 

#1.  First tomato of the season.  I can’t express in words my love for fresh tomatoes.  NOT a tomato from a store.  Gross.  I’m talking from my dad’s backyard.  Or, I guess, from a farmers market.  And I found one today!!  And it was amazing.  I feel like creating a poem or something to express my love for tomatoes.  Here.  Pablo Neruda does a better job than I could every do.  

Ode to Tomatoes by Pablo Neruda can be read here.

#2. Beach bonfires.  I went to a bonfire last night at Golden Gardens in Seattle.  It was so amazing with the sunset.  BUT FREEZING!!! I became one with the fire.  

#3. Homemade mozzarella sticks.  Pizza dough.  I LOVE the idea.  BUT I HATE working with it.  I can never get it to lie flat so I get angry.  And cooking for me is relaxing time.  So I buy the dough thinking I can be zen enough to deal with it.  Nope.  Never.  I alway end of freezing most of it to use another time when perhaps I have become I different person who can handle rolling out dough.  My solution?  Homemade mozzarella sticks.  So simple.  Take some dough (I used Trader Joe’s wheat pizza dough) and jam some mozzarella in there with basil.  Back at 350 for about 20 mins flipping once.  And done.  And amazing! 

 

Your turn.  How do you feel about tomatoes???  Any sticks for making pizza dough lay flat???  

 

Xoxo,

Emily

Twitter

Friday announcement!!

I’ve joined twitter!!! Tweet me @blissforEm

That is all